By Liz Jones
Last updated at 2:50 PM on 21st August 2011
I'm sick of people crying over nothing, I really am.
We lost Cheryl Cole to the hinterlands, but now we have Tulisa Contostavlos, who keeps threatening to dislodge her eyelashes with salty tears.
'I'm young, I'm feisty,' she tells us.
New faces: The panel might have changed, but many of last night's contestants were familiar
She's supposed to give the show edge but she has all the charisma of a bored hotel receptionist. She rarely speaks.
We also have Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny's Child. Let me tell you, Beyonce she ain't. She is one of those American stars who keep thanking God. This woman has the personality of an ironing board and is incapable of being nasty to anyone.
Louis Walsh assures us he's 'got new batteries'.
And finally we have Gary Barlow: he is trying to be the new Mr Nasty, but he's about as scary as an overweight labrador with cataracts.
For this first episode of The All New X Factor, we are in London. The judges might be new, but the contestants seem to be the same. Over-confident teens, mis-shapen middle-aged housewives and dodgy-looking older gentlemen.
The spouting is the same, too.
'This is my destiny, this is my dream!' shout the deluded young unemployed who are in a pen outside the O2 – well, at least they are not burning shops.
Out comes Frankie, who wants to 'sleep with as many women as possible'. He has Justin Bieber's hair, or he would do if Justin had been run over by a combine harvester. He proves he can read because he has the names of girls tattooed on his bottom. The judges send him through to the next round.
Bum note: Frankie did get through to the next round after showing the judges his collection of tattoos
Then there is Kitty, from Gloucestershire, wearing the ubiquitous leopard print. Gary Barlow creases his beard, so we know he's impressed. Kelly Rowland spouts a load of nonsense from the Bible.
Tulisa hates Kitty, obviously.
'Some of the biggest stars in the world are the most complicated,' says Gary, who is clearly not taking his role as the new Simon Cowell seriously.
Later we move to Birmingham.
Is it still standing? A Hong Kong-born contestant vomits backstage.
'Are you from the area?' asks Gary, probably attempting to be David Starkey, if only he'd heard of him.
She gives a sort of lap-dance. Gary falls asleep.
Then there is Roxy, a 19-year-old waitress from Essex.
'There is brown sugar in that voice,' says Gary, now emulating Enoch Powell.
Who'd have thought? He seemed such a nice boy in Take That.
The auditions continue, with Kelly ironing her hair throughout.
Menacing: George showed us that he still doesn't have any talent
Up comes George, who says he has 'really matured' since 2009 when he threw a microphone after being rejected. He's tuneless. His relatives backstage love him, which I always find touching: no matter how hopeless, these people are loved. It gives us all hope.
George menaces Tulisa. Bouncers collect him.
'I got a lot of aggression off you,' says Tulisa, who has never in her life bought a dress with two sleeves.
George swears – Kelly has never heard anyone swear. George is then escorted off stage, and will probably be sentenced to four years later in the week.
Maybe the judges will mature, too. I find I am missing Dannii Minogue, which is about as surprising as saying I'm taking up a new career as a vivisectionist.
Who'd have thought we'd miss Cheryl Cole, too, but these two new female judges plumb new depths of vacuousness.
And Barlow is so laid-back, I think he's suffered a stroke. He makes host Dermot O'Leary seem compelling.
The early episodes of The X Factor are always tricky, as we await the good stuff, like cream ladled from a great big vat of snow-wash denim-clad, tattooed mediocrity.
I'm tired already of poking fun at people's failings. We all know they will end their lives broke and unloved, on DFS sofas bought on the never-never. This is a horrible spectator sport. I think I might skip all this sifting and wait for boot-camp stage.
My favourite contestant so far is Janet, from Northern Ireland. She is 16, has spent most of her life alone in her bedroom, and sings Your Song by Elton John. What a sweetheart. Tulisa is rendered speechless – so no change there.
'I'm in a trance,' says Kelly, unleashing her megawatt smile. No one mentions Ellie Goulding got there first, but Janet is already a frontrunner for the chance to fight off men after her money and managers after her blood . . .
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