Not meaning to be rude, or anything, but did Louise Mensch actually leave the UK – eff off, as promised? If not, if she's still here, either physically or just as a looming "media presence", could a police escort be arranged for her to go quietly, but also conclusively?
Obviously Mensch did "go" in the sense that she resigned from her Corby seat to be with her family in New York, which resulted in the byelection just won by Labour candidate, Andy Sawford, with a swing of 12.67%. Mensch was sorry about this, tweeting – before the votes were even counted – that the Tory failure was not the fault of the Conservatives or their candidate Christine Emmett. It was her fault for stepping down, mid-term, sparking "large and understandable local anger".
"I wish I had been able to see out my term," tweet-lamented Mensch. A genuine mea culpa or just the sound of a seasoned narcissist falling on her sword for attention? It's all about Louise you see; all roads lead to La Mensch. Except when the roads are Corby-shaped.
Please be clear that I was being facetious with those enquiries about the whereabouts of Mensch. It wouldn't do to inspire her to launch a range of "Where's Louise?" merchandise, where you have to find a tiny stripey-jumpered and bobble-hatted Mensch in crowds everywhere from Westminster to Manhattan. And it would be a trick question, in Corby, where of course she definitely isn't any more; if, in any real sense, she ever was.
The point is that, even if Mensch is based in New York, she's still everywhere in the UK, popping up to give opinions and spewing out newspaper articles, at what seems to be the rate of 10 an hour.
Her "still here"-ness is becoming a problem. There's the feeling that she's breached the Trade Descriptions Act: the MP who made a big deal of buggering off, but then, ahem, didn't. I would go so far as to say that there is large and understandable national anger. People have even asked me (me?) why we're still putting up with her. And I say, my friends, I can't give you answers, I can only guess.
Perhaps America is refusing to take her on (they've got enough of their own problems). Or she's not a big noise out there, and she doesn't like it. What does seem evident is that her departure was not why Labour won in Corby.
Mea culpa or "it's all about me!", it doesn't really matter what Mensch meant by her bizarre, unnecessary tweets. While her departure sparked the byelection, it's a spurious leap to say it affected the result. It portrays the people of Corby as pea-brained pitchfork-wavers, who can't get over losing Mensch.
Had Mensch been so highly rated, such a great loss, a change of personnel would have been regrettable and problematic, but it would not have resulted in the loss of a Tory seat – never mind the show of wrath and disaffection that resulted in a 12. 67% swing to Labour.
So, in a way it was about Mensch, but not in terms of her abrupt departure from Corby, rather her unimpressive performance while she was still there, coupled with general disenchantment with the Conservatives. Had Mensch stayed, she'd probably have been booted out at the next election anyway. Perhaps she could write her next 500 articles about that.
Either way, could we finally have the definitive answer: has Mensch gone or not? Can she simply not cope without us, or is she afraid that swanky Manhattan won't put up with her, like Muggins UK did? The fact is, it's probably best that Mensch does go properly, and I say that with love, and her best interests at heart. Apologies to Star Trek fans, but, come on Louise, no one likes a cling-on.
Infidelity? It gets right up my nose
Who could not be agog at the prospect of a "fidelity hormone"? Research from Bonn University suggests that oxytocin, previously dubbed the "love hormone", could deter married or attached men from straying, while having no effect on single men. This hormone can be administered via a nasal spray, which sounds akin to Relationship Vicks, but let's not spoil it.
In the study, 57 men were spayed, sorry, I mean sprayed with oxycotin, and then introduced to an "attractive female researcher". What happened next was, surprisingly, not a porn movie, circa 1973. While the single men were unaffected, men in relationships felt uncomfortable when the woman stood too close and also chose to stand further away by as many as six inches. The conclusion drawn was that oxytocin, previously only studied in monogamous prairie voles, could also play a significant part in human pair-bonding.
While I don't want to undermine important scientific discoveries, I cannot help but suspect that an attached gentleman might have other reasons for reacting differently: say, for instance, a bunch of scientists with clipboards watching his every move and possibly ratting to his partner.
As for Relationship Vicks, if it falls into the wrong hands, where might it end? Happily, I think most women would draw the line at chemical inducement. It would be nice to think that one's partner would remain faithful without being drugged. Old-fashioned romantics like myself would prefer to stick with proved "fidelity enforcement" methods, which range from routine emotional manipulation to moderate physical threat (the classics!).
Joking apart, the last time I checked, love and trust could not be administered nasally. When that day dawns, it might be time for womankind to give up altogether and start joining dating sites for prairie voles.
Bradley Wiggins, a Victor Meldrew for world cycling
Cyclist extraordinaire Bradley Wiggins has criticised British Olympians for appearing on chat shows. "I didn't go on Jonathan Ross or Chatty Man, because that's not what I'm about," says Wiggins, forgetting such trifles as appearing on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, his Fred Perry fashion collaborations or his current promotion of this week's Sky documentary, A Year in Yellow. Wiggins also criticised Lance Armstrong (I know – who hasn't?), pointing out yet again that he's won more tours. Blimey, Bradders, rub it in.
The instant I saw Wiggins, I thought he had the makings of a magnificent British grump, in the mould of Paul Weller. And so it came to pass, with Wiggins grumbling through about everyone and anything. When he was knocked off his bike recently, the focus was rightly put on cyclist safety, but a thought could have been spared for the distraught, apologetic motorist. Or do cyclists believe drivers ram into them on purpose? As it is, with or without his sideburns, Wiggo is fast turning into a champion curmudgeon – the Victor Meldrew of international cycling. Unlike him and cars, I saw it coming. And I very much love him for it.
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