How to survive a zombie apocalyspe - The Guardian

The oncoming zombie apocalypse might sound like the chance to write off your debt and be the badass you were always born to be, but for fans of stuff like "not killing loved ones" and "still having skin" it's going to be a rough ride. So what have you done to prepare? Hell, what has the government done? These guys can't even handle the living, never mind the undead.

These were the thoughts of a concerned citizen from Leicester who, through the Freedom of Information Act, forced his city council to reveal it was woefully unprepared for a zombie uprising. "Having watched several films," he wrote, "it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for." You tell 'em, concerned citizen.

Leicester city council could, of course, take some tips from America's Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, whose Ali Khan recently issued a zombie survival guide in order to publicise its site. But with its tongue so firmly in cheek, can people really trust such advice? No, but you can trust us. Here are five tips:

1. Be prepared with supplies

An obvious point to start off on, but essential all the same. Every house by now should have a "zombie emergency kit" that consists of food, water, medication, gas, duct tape, a battery-powered radio, clothes, copies of important documents, first-aid supplies and guns – lots of guns. Remember: fail to prepare and prepare to be eaten alive, screaming.

2. Get out of town

Your first instinct when the news of a zombie uprising breaks will be to get the hell out of town – after all, the countryside is less populated than big cities and will be easier for survival. This is fine, but if you're in a big city it creates a problem: with everyone rushing to escape at the same time, it will cause a deadlock – only this time with more emphasis on "dead". Plan your route out of the city in advance to avoid traffic.

3. If you're staying at home or are stuck somewhere else, then fortify your base

If you're put in a siege situation, you better make sure your hideout is defended. Barbed wire, weapons and gas-filled bottles are all very useful along with alarms – which can make with some cans and pots on a wire. A word of warning though: you only survive a siege if there's a possibility the invading horde will stop, weigh up the pros and cons and leave – but zombies don't do that. Zombies do not tire, nor can they be reasoned or bargained with. They are relentless and will not leave your base until your supplies run out and you die a horrible, horrible death.

4. Search for survivors

Safety in numbers: when you can, make sure you are part of a group or let other people know you're still alive – if you remain on your own you will, eventually, go mad. Be careful about using big signals though – you may attract unwanted attention. And finally ...

5. Relax – it'll all be fine

Have you noticed that in most zombie films, by the time we join our heroes, the military and government are already wiped out and the streets are lost? The reason for that is because what with so many natural predators, the armed forces and biting being a rubbish way spreading disease, zombies would probably all be re-dead before we know it. So don't be too worried, Concerned Citizen of Leicester – it might not be so bad after all.

But what do you think? Does he have a point – should we be concerned? What would you do in case of a zombie outbreak?