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Vast stage here in salty Brighton. It's as long as a Royal Navy frigate. Three overhead screens show enormous, live pictures of the speaker and, occasionally, of the delegates.
What a pity, therefore, that during a (droopingly dull) speech by Glasgow East MP Margaret Curran, the camera switched to the parliamentary enclosure.
Everyone should have been clapping. But Sedgefield MP Phil Wilson was reading a magazine. Labour's Chief Whip Rosie Winterton, sitting beside him, realised that they were on screen and gave Mr Wilson a hefty dig in the ribs.
The morning dawned with radio reports of that rarest of things: a Miliband policy! Something to do with forcing British companies to take on a local apprentice for every Johnny Foreigner they hire
Mr Wilson was almost knocked off his seat. He hurriedly put down his magazine, started clapping like mad and plastered the most perfect false smile on his face. Ah, conference news management.
The dark arts. Or not. The morning dawned with radio reports of that rarest of things: a Miliband policy! Something to do with forcing British companies to take on a local apprentice for every Johnny Foreigner they hire. Alas, barely was this little beauty unveiled than calamity struck. Lawyers pronounced it unenforceable under European laws.
Those apprenticeships will have to be open to foreigners, too. Glug glug glug to the bottom of Brighton marina went Chuka Umunna's little proposal. When Shadow Education Secretary Stephen Twigg rose to make his conference speech later, the policy was not mentioned. Still, these are mere details, mes braves.
Onwards to victory. And the comrades are certainly here in force. Labour conferences are always well attended – lots of them are being paid by their unions to be here.
Hence the likes of Manuel Cortes, a splendidly ponytailed and ear-ringed specimen from the Transport Salaried Staffs Association who got one of the biggest thunders of applause by demanding the renationalisation of the railways. Edward Miliband, in his morning appearance on the electric television, also referred to the trains. 'The railway companies are taking people for a ride,' he declared.
Shadow Education Secretary Stephen Twigg, promising apprenticeships for all those who do not attend university, hollered 'aspiration for all!'
Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont, who could be Jocky Wilson's sister (though she appears to be wearing the late Queen Mother's teeth) made a speech attacking the 'nationalism' of Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond.
Behind Crofter Lamont as she attacked this nationalism was the slogan 'One Nation Labour'.
Mr Miliband kept popping in and out of the conference hall. He was there for Miss Lamont and for a speech by Labour's leader in Wales, but he managed to miss Mr Twigg's oration. Poor Twigglet.
His speech was long on digs at his Tory opponent, Michael Gove, but it was distinctly lighter on policy detail. 'Not on my watch,' he shouted at one point. This is proving to be the year's must-have clich.
Other popular phrases yesterday included 'millionaires' (as in 'Tory millionaires'), 'the disgraceful bedroom tax', 'equality' and 'hard-working families struggling to make ends meet'. Each time these platitudes were uttered, the zingy platform chairwoman, who looks like a young Cherie Blair, nodded with delight.
Mr Twigg, promising apprenticeships for all those who do not attend university, bulged his eyes. 'Aspiration for all,' he hollered.
But when might those apprenticeships happen? Not immediately. Mr Twigg admitted that 'getting there will be a big, big challenge, none more so than in facing up to the fiscal reality we will inherit. But fiscal reality does not mean losing sight of our long-term vision.'
Translation: 'Fiscal reality does not stop us making absurd, unworkable, dishonest claims in our party-conference speeches.'
Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper was on cracking form.
She suits a party-conference stage, does Yvette. The House of Commons has proved beyond her in recent months – her oppo', Theresa May, has outsmarted her repeatedly – but here in front of the Left-lurching party faithful her routine of elfin outrage, all puppy-eyed when she mentions poverty, works well. She accused David Cameron of having it in for disabled people. Er, hang on, did Mr Cameron not himself have a severely disabled son? Miss Cooper also claimed the credit for putting gay marriage through Parliament. See how easily history is rewritten?
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JOE SOAP and everyone! Sorry about that unintended duplication! These new-fangled ideas!
Could JOE SOAP of SEVENOAKS be guilty of a minor plagiarism by nicking that Churchill quote from my posting in the 21st September's MoS Comment Column? Is so, them I'm glad to have been of help OR, is it that great minds think alike...?
@- joe soap , sevenoaks, United Kingdom, 23/9/2013 20:06 +++ Well, for a start. Jim has given you the courtesy of capitalising your name, something that you have failed to do on two occasions! Is there not a shift key on your computer?? "Or are you completely lost in your own ignorance ...??" Very lame try CP and rather pathetic too. With his extreme views, the gaff prone jim does not deserve the respect of having his name capitalised. And as for you with your double question marks inside your quotation marks? Where you and jim class mates? Never a truer statement was made when Churchill said that the best argument against a democracy was to have a 5 minute conversation with your average voter.
CP of KENT at 22.50 and LIVERPOOL'S TONY at 21.24, are surely intelligent enough to know that Any Sketch Writer attempting to write a "Sketch" without referring to embarrassing situations, personal idiosyncracies, appearance, dress-sense etc etc would then, in fact, not be much of a Sketch Writer - and would soon be out of a job! It seems that what CP and Tony are looking for really, is yet another "serious" report by a political journo - when there are already several on this, as well as every other 'paper to cater for those pretend "serious" readers, always pretending to be outraged at the lack of deference shown to their own particular political favourites, but they should also read Letts' fellow Sketch Writers on other 'papers - and then they will see just why they have often voted Him as being probably the best of the breed! Perhaps CP and Tony might just try and crack a smile instead..?
No mention of any spot blood tests for nicotine laced real ale ?.
Yet again Mr Letts cannot compose a column without some reference to a person's personal looks and appearance. I will repeat myself from a previous letter and ask again whether there is a full length mirror in the Lett's household? - Tony, Liverpool, United Kingdom, 23/9/2013 21:24 ++++++++ What Mr Letts does not seem to realise is that we all know that ad hominem attacks are the resort of the desperate who cannot think of any actual arguments against what has actually been said ...........
@- joe soap , sevenoaks, United Kingdom, 23/9/2013 20:06 +++ Well, for a start. Jim has given you the courtesy of capitalising your name, something that you have failed to do on two occasions! Is there not a shift key on your computer?? "Or are you completely lost in your own ignorance ...??"
We certainly did not have these irrational outbreaks at the UKIP conference. We all know that one MEP showed a degree of anger at the baiting he received from a journalist with an unsympathetic background, but on policy we were pretty well at one.
Yet again Mr Letts cannot compose a column without some reference to a person's personal looks and appearance. I will repeat myself from a previous letter and ask again whether there is a full length mirror in the Lett's household?
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joe soap, sevenoaks, United Kingdom, 6 hours ago
Could JOE SOAP of SEVENOAKS be guilty of a minor plagiarism by nicking that Churchill quote from my posting in the 21st September's MoS Comment Column? Is so, them I'm glad to have been of help OR, is it that great minds think alike...? I've been a fan of that quote for a long, long time John, and have used it many times over the years preceding your 21st September posting. So no cigar this time for your alleged plagiarism. Glad you like the quote though.
John Smith, Birmingham, United Kingdom, 10 minutes ago