After 80 minutes worth of IRB-approved brouhaha, one of these teams will be a step closer to a grand slam. If recent form in this fixture is anything to go by, that's likely to be England: France have only won once at Twickenham since a 23-20 victory in 1997, and even then only by a single point (18-17) in 2005.
England are on a steady upward curve, too, a solid proposition now after a few years of thrashing around helplessly. France, meanwhile, are France, the dictionary definition of Up And Down. Anything could happen. They were majestic on the attack against Scotland, for example, yet also let them score three tries. Scotland. Three tries. I know!
So England start the match as slight, if not strong, favourites. But of course much depends on [hack flicks through well-thumbed copy of 'Will This Do? - The Bumper Book of Journalistic Cliché'] which France turns up.
England: Foden, Ashton, Tindall, Hape, Cueto, Flood, Youngs, Sheridan, Hartley, Cole, Deacon, Palmer, Wood, Haskell, Easter.
Replacements: Thompson, Corbisiero, Shaw, Fourie, Care, Wilkinson, Banahan.
France will either be represented by this lot ... Poitrenaud, Huget, Rougerie, Jauzion, Clerc, Trinh-Duc, Yachvili, Servat, Mas, Pierre, Nallet, Dusautoir, Harinordoquy, Chabal.
Replacements: Guirado, Marconnet, Thion, Bonnaire, Parra, Traille, Palisson.
... or this lot: Poitrenaud, Huget, Rougerie, Jauzion, Clerc, Trinh-Duc, Yachvili, Servat, Mas, Pierre, Nallet, Dusautoir, Harinordoquy, Chabal.
Replacements: Guirado, Marconnet, Thion, Bonnaire, Parra, Traille, Palisson.
Referee: G Clancy (Ireland)
Kick off: 5pm.
The teams are out. Prince Harry is wearing a flat cap with a St George cross on it. Perhaps he's roadtesting gear for Willie's stag do. He soon whips it off his head, though, for a perfectly observed minute's silence for the victims of the earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand. Then it's the national anthems. The French number is simply majestic, though of course this isn't news. Let's not riff on the Brit dirge that follows.
And we're off! Trinh-Duc clips the ball forward to get things moving. A huge roar engulfs Twickenham, and the nearby districts, I'll be bound.
3 min: Yachvili hoicks an up and under down the right wing. Foden takes a sublime catch, then dispatches the ball upfield, and out of play just ahead of the France 22 (or whatever it is these days, I lose count). England win the ball from the first lineout of the day, and set themselves to fling it around awhile. Cueto eventually knocks on, the ball being very wet and slippery. Incidentally, conditions are wet and slippery.
4 min: First scrum of the day, and England come out of it the victors. France put in, and are immediately sent flying backwards by a huge English heave. France go down; that's a penalty for England. And a huge statement by the English pack. Both teams spend a few seconds throwing hands, but the stramash quickly abates.
5 min: England 3-0 France. Flood strokes the penalty confidently over from 20-odd yards out on the left. An impressive start by England.
7 min: England 3-3 France. Straight from the restart, England are shoved backwards in front of their own posts, and concede a penalty. Yachvili makes no mistake, and would have had to be shot if he did. An impressive start by England, an impressive response by France.
9 min: France spend a minute or so getting used to flinging the ball around, first right to left, then left to right. England get their tackles in, and eventually drag Clerc out of play on the left. The French winger's also knocked on. That'll be a second scrum of the day; France will want to do a wee bit better here, or they could be in for a tough day.
11 min: Some binding issue or other does for France this time. It's not a particularly confident start by the French pack.
13 min: England 6-3 France. Jauzion is caught marginally offside at a ruck. Flood steps up and knocks over the penalty from 30-plus yards, straight down the middle.
15 min: A cock-up by Chaval in the centre of the park - he tries to flick a pass off the floor, putting his team-mates in all sorts of bother - ends in an English turnover. Flood knocks the ball down the right, and Poitrenaud finds himself in a spot in the corner, with white shirts bearing down on him, but he drops a shoulder, dummies, and sends a long, raking pass infield to Rougerie, who has time to boot clear.
18 min: England 9-3 France. Flood knocks a simple penalty over, after France, under pressure, are forced into a handling error in the centre.
19 min: England 9-6 France. A penalty shoot-out at the moment. With France looking to set themselves up 20-odd yards from the tryline, right in the middle, Flood, on the floor, handles where he shouldn't. The ball's soon sent sailing between the sticks by Yachvili. It's been mainly England, this, but France are hanging on without having to create much. That's two immediate responses out of three for the visitors.
22 min: England 9-9 France. England take a scrum down, giving Yachvili a penalty 40-odd yards out, just to the left of the posts. He's got Sheridan receiving treatment in front of him, making a difficult kick even trickier, but strokes it straight between the posts. A wonderful kick, that.
24 min: Sheridan has body knack and is replaced by Corbisiero.
25 min: France begin to fling it around. They have a sortie down the right, then the left, the English defence at full stretch, Poitrenaud at the heart of the attack. The home team hold out, though Flood is hit hard by Domingo, who blasts down the right with some determination.
28 min: Sheridan has a calf problem, by the way. The teams are currently taking six hours to set a scrum.
29 min: England are all hands in the ruck yet again. This is simple stuff. They've got France in all sorts of trouble down the right, Poitrenaud struggling to retain the ball, but indiscipline lets the French off. They kick the penalty miles upfield, an opportunity spurned for England.
32 min: Both teams are dropping a lot of passes. The wet ball is clearly causing much emotional tumult.
33 min: The teams are level, but the French support is winning the war. The current rendition of Le Marseillaise is blistering. This is a rout.
34 min: England are unlucky as, passing at pace, Flood and Tindell ship the ball wide right and nearly spring Ashton free. There's a three-on-two, in an admittedly tight position, but Ashton buggers it by overrunning his team-mates and the ball flies into touch. Some nice handling by the English there, though, and there's not been a whole lot of that so far.
36 min: What a steal by Nallet, who stomps into the middle of an English ruck and plucks the ball from the opponents as they fanny around. That was real out-of-my-way-kiddies stuff. France set off down the left, Clerc kicking forward and heading for the left corner, but Foden is over to cover well.
37 min: Chabal is having something of a shocker. Here he drops a simple ball, his third or fourth fumble of the afternoon. The crowd, needless to say, are delighted at his misfortune. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, is finally given an airing worthy of the name.
39 min: From a clever short lineout, Servat is sent chugging free down the right, but the ball's judged not to have gone five metres into play. That's a real borderline decision; England have got away with falling asleep there.
HALF TIME: England 9-9 France. England fail to release a tackled player as Poitrenaud is stopped down the right. That's a penalty, though 40 metres out near the right touchline, a difficult one to convert. Yachvili hits a pretty good kick, but it drifts just wide left, and the teams will go off at half-time all square.
Half-time entertainment:
Lazing with a cheroot and a small glass of red while swinging along to the Hot Club de France, or bellowing a ditty about the hairs on her dicky-di-do while drinking warm ale through an old sock? Decisions, decisions.
Half-time advert break: "In the US these Ashton swallow dives would feature in an advert for some company wishing to assure customers of its confidence, security, tendency to not drop the ball, etc.," writes Ian Copestake. "Once he drops one UK advertisers will be offering contracts for him to endorse non-stick frying pans." Meanwhile here's Simon Davies, who has le funk on about this:
"Absolutely sick to the back (middle and front) teeth of Chabal. Everyone's always going on about him over here because he's got a beard you could hide a badger in. He seems to be in every second TV advert, proclaiming the benefits online poker, or some such nonsense. Dressed in various guises, including drag. And the man can't bloody play rugby, for flip's sake! Tchoh."
The second half of this match - and the second half of this year's Six Nations - begins. Palmer charges down a Yachvili kick. Huget faffs around near his own tryline. England have the put in. Youngs is so close to barging through the centre, but is held up. And then...
42 min: TRY!!! England 14-9 France. ... the play's switched out left by Flood. Cueto juggles a tricky pass before Foden powers over in the corner. What a start to the half by England!
43 min: Flood can't convert the try, knocking his kick well wide right of the sticks.
44 min: England turn the ball over in the centre. They've started this half like a train! Flood breaks down the centre and flicks a pass to the left for Youngs, who ships it on to Ashton. The man of the moment breaks clear down the middle and swallow dives between the posts. But it won't go down as a try, because Flood's pass was slightly forward. A great decision by the referee, because that wasn't obvious.
47 min: This is all England at the moment. France look shellshocked, and can hardly keep hold of the ball when they have it, though despite it all they remain a mere five points behind.
50 min: Pierre is penalised for hanging onto the ball while on the turf. Penalty to England, who are beginning to turn the screw.
51 min: England 17-9 France. Before the penalty can be kicked, a change: Flood limps off, to be replaced by Wilkinson, who has an immediate task in hand. From 47 metres out, he makes no mistake, and the three points make him the highest points scorer in the history of international rugby.
54 min: England 17-9 France. A fairly easy penalty for Yachvili, 30-odd yards out, not too far left, but the ball comes clanking back off the left-hand upright! This half has not started well for the French at all. "Swallow dives are the Vauxhall Astra with a body kit of celebrations," honks Jon Millard. "Just putting the dratted thing down is much classier. In the same way a nicely understated Jaguar mark 2 is classier."
56 min: Trinh-Duc tries a ludicrous drop goal from miles out, and with next to no room to play with. Tindall is on him immediately to charge down the attempt. "This is giving me le depression," admits Dan Jones of Wales and Europe, pouring himself das gin and running lo hot tap.
59 min: A kick forward by Trinh-Duc down the left bounces towards the try line. All Rougerie needs to do is pluck the ball from the air and the momentum will take him over the line for a try, but he misses the ball and the chance is gone. "Thank God for that, Chabal's off," exhales Simon Davies, doing my job for me. "Forgot to mention he got his wax dummy at the Musée Grévin this week. Just wondering how many badgers they had to shoot to get the beard right? Sorry, I'll stop going on about him now."
60 min: Marconnet comes on for Domingo.
63 min: It was all France for a while there, but they couldn't trouble the scoreboard operator. England eventually earn themselves a bit of ball time and move it down the field. At which point a French forward pass gives England great possession 20 metres out, right in the middle. This could be over soon if France aren't a bit more careful. Don't they realise Dan Jones has le depression avec le misery de rugger? Bof!
66 min: Youngs is replaced by Care.
67 min: Poitrenaud hoicks a long kick out near the halfway line. The ball hits a cameraman, sending him and his expensive BBC equipment flying. The cheer at the poor man's misfortune is the loudest of the afternoon. What have we all become.
68 min: Thompson comes on for Hartley.
70 min: Rougerie trundles down the right, flattening all in his wake, before eventually being stopped by four men. It's an end to what looked a promising move by France, who haven't really turned up for the second half.
71 min: Prince Harry has taken his stupid effing cap off. In other news, Ashton breaks down the left but with Care just inside him, begging for a pass to set him free, chooses instead to look for Cueto by the touchline with a difficult pass that's intercepted. That's a try gone begging.
74 min: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot is ringing around Twickenham. England are close to a very important victory here. France are achieving nothing.
76 min: This is petering out.
78 min: Palisson looks to break down the left but hoofs a hilariously poor kick straight into touch on the left. And with the ball goes any hope France had of two late scores.
FULL TIME: England 17-9 France. A well-deserved victory for England: after a first half of shared spoils, they were by far the better side in the second period. It wasn't pretty or expansive, but few in Twickenham will care. Is this the third stage of a grand-slam season? Scotland are next at home, followed by a visit to Ireland. Both matches promise to be quite something.
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