A panto couple who strayed into Parliament - Telegraph.co.uk

To Sally, reared in a mystical realm free of newspapers and their nasty, sneaky ways, publication came as a grievous shock. She has, she insisted in one of the myriad tweets with which she daily delights the Twitterati, been "done up like a kipper".

Some may be reminded here of Basil Fawlty's stage whisper when the indulgent mother praises her spoilt little swine of a son as very highly strung. "Yes," murmurs Fawlty, "he should be." Personally, of course, I am appalled by the notion that Sally should be grilled under a high flame and doused in vinegar. After all, the only foodstuff she mentioned finding "sexy" in her interview is chocolate. Then again, it's still early days. When she gets round to being kippered by Penthouse, Forum or Speakers' Wives, perhaps she'll dwell on the erotic allure of Sarson's finest?

In the meantime, the fiasci come so thick and fast that some wonder how much more of the bespoke Bercovian take on restoring its dignity the Commons can take. Just a few weeks ago, Bumptious had another spat with a Conservative MP, Mark Pritchard, who responded to the imperious demand to stand aside for the Speaker with a pithy: "You're not f---ing royalty".

Although this is technically correct, in one way the enchanting couple are quasi-royals, in so far as they plug a role left vacant by the House of Windsor. With Fergie comparatively quiet and Prince Harry now a stranger to the contentious fancy-dress costume, the House of Windsor has abrogated its duty to amuse and entertain us with perpetual daftness. This vacuum the Bercows selfishly strive to fill, and what a bang-up job they are making of that.

There is another reason why I cannot say a bad word about the Speaker. As boys, we attended the same Finchley synagogues, being bar mitzvah'd within a few months of each other. Tribal loyalty is a mighty force, so on no account would I dismiss Bumptious as an opportunistic, turncoat laughing stock of a preposterously puffed-up buffoon who, in tandem with his insanely publicity-crazed soulmate, has achieved the unimaginable, by retroactively investing his predecessor Michael Martin with gravitas
and charm.

Others feel differently, and the day that the Commons' patience is exhausted and the pair kicked out of the Speaker's residence seems closer all the time. If and when they slink away with their well-thumbed copy of Kama Sutra For Clock-Lovers: Chiming Together in the Sack (Hot Hot Hot Horologist Press, £24.99), at least they won't struggle to replace the income.

For if Sally's interview wasn't a key plank of a cunning exit strategy, what was it? Her entire life these past 18 months has been the longest audition in I'm A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here! history – and from gagging over kangaroo gonads, the next step speaks for itself. Pantomime is whence this enchanting couple came, and back to the panto stage is where Snowy and Bumptious are inexorably headed.